It's not about being like the men and taking our place at the table, it's about being like the women and allowing ourselves to be held. The men are already doing it.
I love the idea of leaning in differently! I've taken a step back from work since my son was born 8 months ago and want to return to work, but in a way that works for my new reality. This no longer includes endless client meetings, demanding deadlines, and late nights in excel/powerpoint. I want to lean in, but in a way that is sustainable for me to also care for my family! This is a new balance I'm trying to find and it's certainly not easy since society's view of work is very black and white. I'm working on finding a new seat at the table, which feels like it doesn't exist right now, but I know it does - I just have to find my flow! Thanks for raising this and making me feel seen!
Thanks, Annie. Once again, you are so right. We all have to lean in, all the time, in a multitude of different ways -- with or without kids, wherever we are in our careers and lives. For me, this meant losing my "big" job when I was at the height of my career and having to reinvent myself when I should have been resting on my laurels. We have to lean into who we are, what we want, and how we want to thrive in our lives.
It is frustrating that the Govt doesn’t give couples the option to choose which parent takes the maternity benefits in a man/woman relationship. What happens in same sex marriages? Can they choose which Dad takes the maternity leave, or do they get none perhaps?
It seems very antiquated. 😬
I returned to work after 3 months and my other half remained at home as the house husband. I earned a lot more, he hated his job and I was very happy to skip back into work. Babies are not my strong suit. 😉😂
I love how you explore these issues of support and gender dynamics. I was the youngest of five kids and my mom raised me to be very self-sufficient (she wasn’t and realized the limitations it placed on her). I had no maternal genes - just wanted to succeed and so I did. Even though I’d married, still did not want children and neither did he.
I met my current husband when his daughters, now our daughters, were 10 and 13 and cannot be more grateful for the fullness they have brought to my life (along with a lot of drama and expense of course 🤣.)
So this has made me reflect recently that maybe I didn’t want children because it is just too hard to do it and be successful. I applaud those who do both. My mom passed when I was 20 so there was no support there.
I agree that wanting to have a career outside of your children should be an option or not if someone chooses to stay home. In the U.S., the cost of childcare is astronomical and the people in those positions are often the lowest paid, not even earning a living wage. I volunteer with a women’s foundation to try and move women and families further along the line of prosperity, but it seems so little. I wish the people who so much want to take away women’s reproductive rights, would only realize if they supported more childcare and family leave more people would likely choose to have children.
In the end, I lucked out. I’ve had a successful career, I have two smart and caring daughters and one day if they choose to have children, will work to support them.
Love this Annie. I have to say, the whole "a mother's salary doesn't cover the nursery fees" discussion makes me angry. Clearly, it is fucked up that childcare costs so much in this country, especially when the people who work in childcare are paid bugger all. But why is the cost of it so often only measured against the mother's salary? I'm pretty sure the fact that said child is going to nursery allows both parents to work? I understand for many it's an economic calculation - what is the most cost-effective way to care for children. And others would rather be with their children and work in the home than do paid work. But for those of us who love our work, or who are building a career or a business, why is what I earn the only part of the calculation? Grrr.
I had to explain this to my husband, but eventually, he got it. My daughter going to nursery allowed us both to go to work and earn a salary, so the cost should be netted off against our combined income. That reframe helped us both a lot.
I nearly added in a note about the fact that it should be both parents, where there are two, looking at the financial impact of childcare, not just the impact on the mother’s income. That said, it’s usually the mother who takes maternity leave and so when returning to work, it’s the money she will or won’t earn that tends to be measured against potential nursery fees. But then again, if the nursery fees are split down the middle, the dent into her potential income is smaller and so returning may feel more worthwhile x
Sorry Annie, when I said the discussion made me angry I didn't mean your article made me angry! (quick clarify!) I meant the way society generally looks at the mother's salary v nursery fees. I can partially understand why at first - it feels more immediately comparable - but then considerations should widen. How can we look at things with a longer-term lens rather than that immediate knee-jerk? I wish I knew!
Love this essay so much - thank you! I'm also leaning into letting people who offer to help *actually help*. With two kids and family far away, I'm doing my best to surrender and allow the genuine help that's being offered to me when it does occur, not push it away out of pride or politeness. So much pressure to be it all to everyone, it's nice to shelf that and allow the support to flow in.
Resonated with me once again! I’m so similar, I’ve always struggled to lean into help but have got a little better over the past year, due to necessity perhaps, but it’s really quite freeing. And people do love to help (I love to help, so it makes sense!) Glad you’re getting more help. Xxx
I love the idea of leaning in differently! I've taken a step back from work since my son was born 8 months ago and want to return to work, but in a way that works for my new reality. This no longer includes endless client meetings, demanding deadlines, and late nights in excel/powerpoint. I want to lean in, but in a way that is sustainable for me to also care for my family! This is a new balance I'm trying to find and it's certainly not easy since society's view of work is very black and white. I'm working on finding a new seat at the table, which feels like it doesn't exist right now, but I know it does - I just have to find my flow! Thanks for raising this and making me feel seen!
Thanks, Annie. Once again, you are so right. We all have to lean in, all the time, in a multitude of different ways -- with or without kids, wherever we are in our careers and lives. For me, this meant losing my "big" job when I was at the height of my career and having to reinvent myself when I should have been resting on my laurels. We have to lean into who we are, what we want, and how we want to thrive in our lives.
I recently wrote my own "leaning in" epiphany here: https://open.substack.com/pub/lynchamberlin/p/career-redux?r=beece&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Love all these different ‘leaning in’ ideas. X
Great post! 👏👏
It is frustrating that the Govt doesn’t give couples the option to choose which parent takes the maternity benefits in a man/woman relationship. What happens in same sex marriages? Can they choose which Dad takes the maternity leave, or do they get none perhaps?
It seems very antiquated. 😬
I returned to work after 3 months and my other half remained at home as the house husband. I earned a lot more, he hated his job and I was very happy to skip back into work. Babies are not my strong suit. 😉😂
BRAVO! Love to hear a story like this x
I love how you explore these issues of support and gender dynamics. I was the youngest of five kids and my mom raised me to be very self-sufficient (she wasn’t and realized the limitations it placed on her). I had no maternal genes - just wanted to succeed and so I did. Even though I’d married, still did not want children and neither did he.
I met my current husband when his daughters, now our daughters, were 10 and 13 and cannot be more grateful for the fullness they have brought to my life (along with a lot of drama and expense of course 🤣.)
So this has made me reflect recently that maybe I didn’t want children because it is just too hard to do it and be successful. I applaud those who do both. My mom passed when I was 20 so there was no support there.
I agree that wanting to have a career outside of your children should be an option or not if someone chooses to stay home. In the U.S., the cost of childcare is astronomical and the people in those positions are often the lowest paid, not even earning a living wage. I volunteer with a women’s foundation to try and move women and families further along the line of prosperity, but it seems so little. I wish the people who so much want to take away women’s reproductive rights, would only realize if they supported more childcare and family leave more people would likely choose to have children.
In the end, I lucked out. I’ve had a successful career, I have two smart and caring daughters and one day if they choose to have children, will work to support them.
Great article, as always 👍🏼
Thank you so much x
Love this Annie. I have to say, the whole "a mother's salary doesn't cover the nursery fees" discussion makes me angry. Clearly, it is fucked up that childcare costs so much in this country, especially when the people who work in childcare are paid bugger all. But why is the cost of it so often only measured against the mother's salary? I'm pretty sure the fact that said child is going to nursery allows both parents to work? I understand for many it's an economic calculation - what is the most cost-effective way to care for children. And others would rather be with their children and work in the home than do paid work. But for those of us who love our work, or who are building a career or a business, why is what I earn the only part of the calculation? Grrr.
I had to explain this to my husband, but eventually, he got it. My daughter going to nursery allowed us both to go to work and earn a salary, so the cost should be netted off against our combined income. That reframe helped us both a lot.
I nearly added in a note about the fact that it should be both parents, where there are two, looking at the financial impact of childcare, not just the impact on the mother’s income. That said, it’s usually the mother who takes maternity leave and so when returning to work, it’s the money she will or won’t earn that tends to be measured against potential nursery fees. But then again, if the nursery fees are split down the middle, the dent into her potential income is smaller and so returning may feel more worthwhile x
Sorry Annie, when I said the discussion made me angry I didn't mean your article made me angry! (quick clarify!) I meant the way society generally looks at the mother's salary v nursery fees. I can partially understand why at first - it feels more immediately comparable - but then considerations should widen. How can we look at things with a longer-term lens rather than that immediate knee-jerk? I wish I knew!
Love this essay so much - thank you! I'm also leaning into letting people who offer to help *actually help*. With two kids and family far away, I'm doing my best to surrender and allow the genuine help that's being offered to me when it does occur, not push it away out of pride or politeness. So much pressure to be it all to everyone, it's nice to shelf that and allow the support to flow in.
Thank you for your insights 🙏🌞 x
Resonated with me once again! I’m so similar, I’ve always struggled to lean into help but have got a little better over the past year, due to necessity perhaps, but it’s really quite freeing. And people do love to help (I love to help, so it makes sense!) Glad you’re getting more help. Xxx