Very interesting read and take on selfishness! I can’t help but realize that the vision of what’s selfish and not must be very culturally related as well. Despite us living in an increasingly globalized and homogeneous world, there are still distinct differences in the subtle nuances.
For example, to someone from Sweden it seems fully reasonable that you chose to have aid twice a week for your second child starting at 10 months in order for you to work, it would even be considered selfish if you kept your child with you for longer than the standard (1year). The latter is my experience where I’ve been shamed of choosing to keep my children at home. On the contrary, while living in other parts of the world it was seen as normal.. How paradox it all is and I can’t help but conclude the same thing: we must stop to contribute and conform to the general judgements regardless of “what side” they’re on and trust that mothers will act according to what they intuitively feel is the best for their family (including the well being of themselves).
I think the matriarch has been teared down due to disrespect of women’s ability to decide and know for themselves without a holding hand from society. Birth is another concrete example where the medical system claims to know the individual women’s bodies better than they do. Let’s start trusting our instincts instead of handing it over to someone else (whether it be science, society or what have you).
In your case, I’m 100% certain that you wouldn’t choose to (in your perception something selfish) do anything that would be harmful to your children. That would be nonsensical!
The bias against mothers means we get it every which way, don't we?! I felt that (some) others saw me as selfish for choosing to stay home with my children and had to make my peace that I was doing what felt right at the time. I appreciate the reminder that trying to have a full career while also looking after children is impossible because I home educate and I regularly get frustrated with the limitations. Though this feels right in this season, I appreciate the reminder to close my eyes and ask what's important (and what I need).
… what I’m finding most interesting, at the moment, is that I close my eyes to ask what I need, and I just see my children (and what they need). Maybe there is some work to be done there, to remind myself that I might have needs separate to those of my children and they are worthy of some attention too x
Just yes to all of this. Do I have an inner dialogue? 100% years and it’s so noisy and overwhelming and debilitating - I fight against it every day. Not just the selfish narrative but so many other angles too. It’s impossible to win. And just when you think you’re finding a sense of balance, someone tips you right off centre. (Can you tell I’ve had a hard week?) - side note: do you struggle to share this honesty as a coach? I feel like I should look like I have everything together if I am to show up for others.
What has been really important for me, as an adult, is to surround myself with people who see the best bits of me and forgive the more challenging parts. That way, I see myself like that too.
In terms of being honest, as a coach, (great question) I’m definitely more writer than coach these days, and as a writer, I’ve always been very honest. But I would say that as a coach, honesty also makes you more relatable. If someone is coming to you for coaching and thinks that you have everything completely sorted, perhaps they will feel like you won’t understand their struggles. The truth is that no one has it completely sorted, all of the time. That said, it’s a very individual thing as to how much you choose to share. Xx
Very interesting read and take on selfishness! I can’t help but realize that the vision of what’s selfish and not must be very culturally related as well. Despite us living in an increasingly globalized and homogeneous world, there are still distinct differences in the subtle nuances.
For example, to someone from Sweden it seems fully reasonable that you chose to have aid twice a week for your second child starting at 10 months in order for you to work, it would even be considered selfish if you kept your child with you for longer than the standard (1year). The latter is my experience where I’ve been shamed of choosing to keep my children at home. On the contrary, while living in other parts of the world it was seen as normal.. How paradox it all is and I can’t help but conclude the same thing: we must stop to contribute and conform to the general judgements regardless of “what side” they’re on and trust that mothers will act according to what they intuitively feel is the best for their family (including the well being of themselves).
I think the matriarch has been teared down due to disrespect of women’s ability to decide and know for themselves without a holding hand from society. Birth is another concrete example where the medical system claims to know the individual women’s bodies better than they do. Let’s start trusting our instincts instead of handing it over to someone else (whether it be science, society or what have you).
In your case, I’m 100% certain that you wouldn’t choose to (in your perception something selfish) do anything that would be harmful to your children. That would be nonsensical!
I can only end with this: Follow Your Gut!
The bias against mothers means we get it every which way, don't we?! I felt that (some) others saw me as selfish for choosing to stay home with my children and had to make my peace that I was doing what felt right at the time. I appreciate the reminder that trying to have a full career while also looking after children is impossible because I home educate and I regularly get frustrated with the limitations. Though this feels right in this season, I appreciate the reminder to close my eyes and ask what's important (and what I need).
… what I’m finding most interesting, at the moment, is that I close my eyes to ask what I need, and I just see my children (and what they need). Maybe there is some work to be done there, to remind myself that I might have needs separate to those of my children and they are worthy of some attention too x
Just yes to all of this. Do I have an inner dialogue? 100% years and it’s so noisy and overwhelming and debilitating - I fight against it every day. Not just the selfish narrative but so many other angles too. It’s impossible to win. And just when you think you’re finding a sense of balance, someone tips you right off centre. (Can you tell I’ve had a hard week?) - side note: do you struggle to share this honesty as a coach? I feel like I should look like I have everything together if I am to show up for others.
What has been really important for me, as an adult, is to surround myself with people who see the best bits of me and forgive the more challenging parts. That way, I see myself like that too.
In terms of being honest, as a coach, (great question) I’m definitely more writer than coach these days, and as a writer, I’ve always been very honest. But I would say that as a coach, honesty also makes you more relatable. If someone is coming to you for coaching and thinks that you have everything completely sorted, perhaps they will feel like you won’t understand their struggles. The truth is that no one has it completely sorted, all of the time. That said, it’s a very individual thing as to how much you choose to share. Xx