I’m stepping off the conveyer belt.

But is this just my version of a mid-life crisis? And if so, what’s socially acceptable and what should I maybe not do?

I wrote a piece a while back about a rather strange auditory hallucination experience I had that made me think I was going mad.

In an attempt to calm myself and recover, I went into a shamanic meditation and after much looking around (in my mind), I had a vision of a conveyor belt.

I was on it, initially, and then imagined it shrinking and disappearing into the distance. I turned my back on it.

I’ve since pondered the meaning of the conveyor belt, wondering what it represents: motherhood? Work? Relationship? Home? All of those things together?

But what has been most enlightening is the realisation that I truly don’t have to be on the conveyor belt of life.

Yes, I have responsibilities. I need to look after my children, nurture my marriage and continue with my career.

But I also have freedom.

The freedom to do whatever work I choose, to move to a new place (maybe not for a while, though, having just done this), to travel, to go away alone or with friends.

Life doesn’t need to feel like one long churn.

It can feel like bursts of beauty and excitement followed by the calmness of ritual and routine.

As is often the way, it’s largely about mindset.

Do you choose to see your life as one long boring repetitive conveyor belt, or as a truly magnificent journey with ups and downs; highs and lows; adventures and rest?

Mid-life crisis

Perhaps I’m reaching an age where a ‘mid-life crisis’ is inevitable. Or at least a possibility.

I’m 38, with three kids and a long-term marriage. Lucky me.

But I also waved goodbye to the true freedom of my youth some years ago.

Once, when I chose to get married and have just that one relationship for the rest of my life.

And again, when I decided to have children.

Sadly, I know of many relationships that ended with the pandemic.

What were perhaps initially tiny cracks became gaping holes that couldn’t draw back together.

I felt the pressure keenly on my own relationship, as we were running a business together, as well as looking after three very young kids, homeschooling etc.

In fact, I wrote about why I could no longer work with my husband here.

But thankfully, we were able to see the cracks before they spread further and to make quick changes.

So it’s definitely not a new relationship - or freedom in that sense - that I crave.

Though I am starting to write fiction about love, sex, desire, pleasure and lust - particularly that of youth - in a new section on this Substack called:

All my lovers.

(First story will drop on Friday.)

…. perhaps this is my way to fantasise and explore without physically venturing out into the dating world.

Craving solitude

I did tell my husband not so long ago that I have a craving to live alone.

We’re not meant to say this, as mothers and wives. We are meant to be content with the bustle and chaos of family life.

But what I imagine, sometimes, is the peace of living alone (when it’s by choice).

And the fact that there would never be anything left out on surfaces, or the stairs, unless I left it there (which I wouldn’t).

I’d plump up the sofa cushions after watching telly and there would be no bottoms crushing them back down within minutes.

I’d sleep alone in a bed every night - from 10pm until 7am.

How idyllic.

And yet I adore my husband and children, and this is mere fantasy. I’d miss them all too much. I don’t really want to live alone.

What I do want to do…

I would love to revisit The Sanctuary. A retreat on the Thai island of Koh Phangan, built into the mountains, that is actual heaven-on-earth.

I got a boat there aged 18 and did yoga, drank healthy juices and stayed in a beach hut. I’d like to return aged 38 and do all those same things.

Some people I know locally in Somerset have been voyaging out there and it has felt like a ‘sign’ that it’s back in my life, via them.

I’d also like to go more regularly to London, on my own. I want to wander the streets and galleries, eat dinner in fancy restaurants and stay in hotels on my own.

When I left London, a year and a half ago, I loved our new countryside life but struggled with the separation.

I’m from London and have lived there most my life. Also, my family are all still there.

But I’ve realised I can go between. I can spend most of the 15 weeks of the kids’ holidays there, which is almost 1/3rd of the year (again, lucky me).

And I can have additional weekends, or weekday trips, to go to my friends’ book launches, exhibitions and parties.

One day, I might return to live in London. But for now, I’m remembering that there are no rules to where and how you spend your life.

That feels freeing.

Other mid-life crisis possibilities:

• Start a band. Love this idea.

• Change up my wardrobe. Go a bit Iris Apfel. Not ready yet.

• Cold water swimming. Edging towards this.

• Go raving. I feel I need this.

• Move house. Not yet.

But I’m definitely stepping off that conveyor belt, grabbing life by the horns and going for a wild ride, for a while.

Interspersed with restful periods, of course, because I’m not 18 any more.

Annie x

Ps. Important information.

I’ve finally worked out how Substack actually works - the ‘magazine’ element - and created some different sections. You can see them here, under my name.

It’s like having my own online magazine, and some of the articles are emailed directly to you each week.

Now, there’s a section for personal essays, another for raising your SQ (coaching and spirituality) and a third section for short stories called All my lovers.

Love stories that don't always include love. But tell of lust, longing, romance, secrets, pleasure, desire and sex. Through a female - and feminist - lens.

So I’m now not running two separate Substacks (this one and Raise your SQ), I’m streamlining it here (annieridout.substack.com).

Monday: I’ll share a coaching/self-development exercise. Or an online course, one module per week.

Wednesday: I’ll publish a personal essay (like the above).

Friday: I’ll share a short ‘love’ story.

If you don’t want to receive all three emails you can opt out of whichever you fancy at annieridout.substack.com/account and simply untick.

You can still read the other articles, if you want to, at annieridout.substack.com. You just won’t have them emailed to you.

This week, in the ‘Raise your SQ’ section, I’ve written about:

Glimmers: the new trend we all need to know about. Click the link to read it and learn about making tiny - but hugely impactful - changes to your daily life.

What about the money side of things?

All my paid subscribers will have access to everything, for £3.50/month. Including the online course on ‘focus’ I’ll be sharing from next week.

So if you’ve had your eye on this Substack and would like to read everything - the archives, future articles and the online courses I’ll be sharing on here…

Opt for the paid subscription and you, too, will have it for £3.50/month, ongoing.

(I’ll always share some essays and coaching exercises for free, as well. But paying opens up all the access. A bit like you can flick through a magazine in the shop but if you want to properly read it, you gotta pay for it.)