I started hallucinating and thought I was going mad.

In some ways, I was. But through support and spiritual practices, I’ve returned to sane.

Last week, I had a very strange turn.

Really, all the signs have been there that something was about to pop off.

Heart palpitations a month ago, a migraine with visual disturbance last week, unusual tiredness, and needing to wee a lot (a sign of anxiety for me).

But I duly ignored them all and got on with the new ghostwriting project I’m doing (several interviews and 50,000 words in four weeks).

And then last Thursday, I felt odd when I woke up. A bit sad, a bit panicky.

On the walk to school, while chatting with my friend, I felt myself slipping into a panic attack.

I had this sense that I was floating rather than walking.

I used to have a lot of panic attacks, so it was a familiar feeling.

And fortunately, having had a bunch of amazing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sessions years ago, I’m able to control it.

I knew that I needed to get my children to school and I kept my focus on that.

After dropping them off, I had this sense of relief. I rushed out of the school gates to get home to ‘safety’.

Back home, I felt weird. Like I was disassociating; going through the motions but not properly connecting with anything.

I remembered that while showering that morning, I’d shampooed my hair then washed it out and turned off the shower.

I’d forgotten to wash my body, condition my hair, shave my legs.

Again, I’d been there in body but not in mind.

I’d then gone into my room and started putting my make-up on before moisturising my face.

These things don’t really matter, but as I usually have such a clear routine with it, to forget what I was doing was odd.

I felt a bit disturbed by my own behaviour.

After the near-panic attack, I was back home at my desk and preparing to interview the wonderful woman whose book I’m ghostwriting.

The interview went well but afterwards, something truly bizarre happened.

I decided that rather than transcribe the interview right away, I’d stop.

My body was telling me that it was time to take a break.

I lay on the floor to do some breathwork but when I turned on the same recording I listen to every time, the voice was different.

I use an 11-minute Wim Hof recording, and it’s very familiar.

But what I was hearing, from that same video, was a woman’s voice.

It didn’t make sense. The video was the same, the visuals were the same, but the voice had changed.

I couldn’t work out how this could possibly happen. Surely to change the voice on a video, you need to delete the video and upload it again?

I stopped the video, got the kids from school, brought them home and we had some friends round for dinner.

I felt pretty normal and okay.

But after they left, I told my husband what had happened with the recording, and he looked concerned.

We had to get the kids to bed so we did that and then I decided to go for a walk in the fields and speak to my parents.

All day, I’d been on the brink of tears, and had wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t know who to call.

I knew that I could call a particular friend, Lizzie, and that she would be amazing, but it feels like a hard conversation to start…

Hi Lizzie, I think I’m going mad.

Now that the day was coming to an end, I phoned my parents and burst into tears.

I told them what had happened and in their characteristically calm manner, they assured me that I wasn’t going mad.

They said this was a chemical reaction in my brain and was down to stress.

It made sense, I’d had all those other warning signs and they had amalgamated in a whopper of red flag.

They said, importantly: you are going to be fine, you will ride this out.

We had a long chat and I felt reassured, though still a bit ‘out of my body’.

When I got back, I was able to explain to my husband what was happening and we stayed up late just talking.

About life, pressures, stress, where it’s all coming from, what I need, changes we can make. 

It was such a good talk.

I slept well - interestingly, I’ve slept well through this whole strange episode - and woke just feeling a bit tender.

I still didn’t know whether I’d actually had an auditory hallucination or if something weird had been happening with YouTube.

Either way, I decided to make peace with it.

(And fortunately, a week on, it hasn’t happened again. You know what? I’m pretty sure it never will).

The brain can do wild things when it doesn’t know how to respond to stress but being aware, and making conscious changes, can be a game-changer.

So it was now Friday.

After an hour or two spent drinking tea and eating a lot of food… 

(Homemade granola with yoghurt and berries; eggs on toast; bean chilli with kale and coriander from the garden; salad and hummous pitta - double breakfast, double lunch)

… I realised that it needed to be a rest day.

I asked my husband to look after our youngest and treated myself in the same way I would if I had a physical illness:

Asked for help, kept the laptop closed and chilled.

On the way to collect my kids from school, in the rain, I spoke with a friend about what had happened.

She told me I can always go to her if something like this happens.

The most important thing to do when you’re having a panic/mental health crash is talk to someone.

But sometimes, the hardest thing to do when you are in crisis is talk to someone.

It feels embarrassing and shameful, as if you have lost all control.

Mental health is such a fragile thing.

But I want to make clear: I’m not sharing any of this for sympathy.

I’m very lucky to have all the support I need, and to generally be mentally ‘well’. I’m usually pretty calm, confident and in-control.

But very occasionally, my little mind goes wild and pulls a funny one.

And I choose to share the weird ones, because keeping them as shameful little secrets doesn’t help me, and it doesn’t help others.

Here’s what I did to start healing…

I kept my mum and dad’s words in my mind: you are fine, you will get through this, all will be well.

And then, at just the right moment, I had an email from a shamanic practitioner I know called Christa MacKinnon.

There was an offer on her online course, £20 off.

I signed up and set up a space in my bedroom on the floor.

I created an altar, using a rag of white material and spreading into a circle shape.

And I added the gemstones that I’m holding onto at the moment, as well as palo santo sticks and a sage bundle.

It was a quick, simple set-up.

I smudged the air, calling in spirit.

And then I lay on the sheepskin rugs I’d positioned on the floor, put a blanket over my body and rested my head on a pillow.

Using Christa’s guidance, via an online video, I dropped into a shamanic journey to the underworld.

I met my spirit animal in one journey and in the next, I asked what I needed in order to let go of my anxiety, and what I needed to welcome in, in its place.

I had a vision of a conveyor belt, and Christa guided me to imagine it was shrinking and disappearing into the distance. 

I turned my back on it.

And then welcomed in a sense of love and groundedness.

I felt the message from this journey was that I need to get off the conveyor belt of life - of just going through the motions - and to instead experience it.

As a mother, there is always so much to do.

With my writing career, there is always so much to do.

There are proposals to write, books to write once the proposal turns into a commission, press stuff to work on.

I’m always thinking ahead, working ahead, planning not just immediate next steps, but for the next few years.

And while I’m doing this, I’m also fitting in sports days and parent/teacher meetings, playdates and family weekends.

I love being a mother, I adore my writing career - but sometimes, I take on more than I can manage if I don’t have extra support.

When that happens, my body makes it very clear (I get a rash, a migraine or - as of last week - a sense that I’m hallucinating). And I make changes. Instantly.

I don’t let it go on for long, because I know what I need to do, in order to bring it all back…

Talk to supportive, reassuring people; raise my SQ (spiritual intelligence)*.

I had another revelation, too, and I reckon some of you might like to join me on this one.

It came to me in the spirit animal of the ‘snake’ and it’s all about toxins and temptation.

Can you guess what it is?

I’ll tell you about that next Wednesday.

Thank you for reading,

Annie x

*If you’re interested in learning more about spirituality - rituals, practices, coaching exercises - you might like my book Raise your SQ: Transform your life with spiritual intelligence. There’s 25% off today… Buy it here.