Here's why modern-day mothers are struggling with loneliness and burnout, and what we can learn from prehistoric mothers about doing things differently.
I resonate with what you wrote. With both sets of grandparents abroad, I've always felt very alone... Over the years of being a mom, I created new relationships locally, I rekindled older relationships virtually, but I still don't feel like I have a 'village' around me. Also, I am passionate about my work. I'd rather work during half-term than spend the days with the kids, so I carry a bit of guilt around that. But it gives me the nourishment I need, and then I feel I'm more available / present for my kids. Creating my freelance life is what's indirectly helped me feel better about being a parent. I can also weave in the domestic and family tasks in my day (in opposition to cramming them in the evenings and weekends in a 9-5 work situation), which makes life a bit more serene and makes me feel more in control. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's valuable to reflect on our own experience and figure out what we need. x
I hear you on the 'wanting to work in half terms'. And also: interesting take on freelance work meaning more time for all the other life admin and chores in the 'working day'. This is often seen as a bad thing, but I like your re-frame x
I sometimes get a bit annoyed by doing the 'home' work during my work day (partner is in a typical 9-5 but working from home). But actually it saves me peace in other moments. So I've accepted it as a blessing.
Thanks for sharing this Annie. I can see so much of myself in this. I’ve given the work-life challenge (I love how you don’t use the word ‘balance’ as it does not exist in my opinion!) a lot of thought and I think that the set-ups many of us have are not sustainable in the long-run. Something has to change. I don’t really have any answers but I’m always thinking about it. I think extended parental leave is really key, as are accessible spaces for parents/carers with young children. And flexible working of course.
I think one of the issues is that the longer women take out of the workplace, the bigger the longterm impact, financially (eg. pensions). And in terms of confidence. It shouldn't be this way, but often is. Though if extended parental leave included a pay packet equivalent to what we had pre-baby, and pension contributions... that could help. Though there is also the fact that some women find work to be welcome respite from motherhood. I certainly do. And so what's the answer for those of us who want to work but also want to be around lots for our kids... or at least have them looked after by family...? I think multigenerational living might be the one. But now that we're so used to living apart from our parents, it's quite hard to imagine moving back in permanently. Ax
Good points! As I said, I have no answers unfortunately. By extended parental leave, I mean both parents, if there are two. I live in Switzerland, where mat leave is 14 weeks and paternal leave is 2 weeks so an extension of that would be a good place to start. I chose to go freelance when I became a mum instead of going back to work with a 14 week old - it was my way of trying to find a way to work and make money and stay in the workforce while also being around for my kids when little. Not an easy path and not for everyone but I’m glad I chose this path. I also definitely need work to feel good - absolutely a respite from the intensity of motherhood. My work time often feels like my downtime if I’m honest.
Thank you for sharing your story, Annie. I resonate with so much of it, its uncanny. We currently are living with my parents, after moving out to the countryside in 2020. Though I loved the idea of it, and we found the most beautiful property that we renovated, but I felt so isolated there. We never quite found our community & I would go weeks without speaking to an adult friend in person. After my third sons birth, the loneliness became too much & I decided we had to move back closer to family. My husband has felt differently, it’s been quite a year, we’re still in limbo, all 5 of us staying at my parents home. Even just having them - my parents - around is so helpful, the company, the helping hands here and there. We’re so lucky & I’m so grateful for their support, even though living with them is temporary.
This was outstanding! The nuclear family isolated is a fairly new phenomenon and not even all of today’s cultures embrace it. I love to hear about multigenerational families living and supporting each other- it benefits the very young, the old are given more purpose and healthy interactions (I am old so I speak for myself- All may not want this). And it gives such a foundational fit for young parents who often struggle with trusting strangers to watch and help with their kids. I personally love the hearing stories of grands, greats and others living close and staying close.
Very lovely essay and we have a lot in common on several points.
I’m sorry for the comment on moving back home - I’m unfortunately one who’d never be able to, but I somehow wish I did and find joy and beauty when others have this blessing (I prefer to use the word blessing rather than privilege).
Though I’ve had my husband working either with me or on his own business but still at home for both my babies, I still felt incredibly alone at times. Now it doesn’t help that we’ve moved multiple times in an attempt to find our village I suppose, but it’s really not easy to find your group when you make such a transition.
Before we were already “the odd ones” by working as artists and entrepreneurs, and to then get married and have children young became too much… though I enjoy to have some time alone, homeschool my eldest I definitely long to find likeminded mothers down the road. Currently in the countryside and adore the calm, but grateful we have grandma in Paris just 3 hrs away so we can get the hustle and bustle, cultural inspiration and meet people in the city too. xx
Maybe we each need something different in order to feel less alone?
Thinking about it now, I think that when I'm really focused on my work (and it's going well) that makes me feel less alone. I'm not sure the psychologists would see that as a positive but perhaps for mothers, it's 'something' for us. Have you felt like that?
I’m feeling it right now in fact! After years of creative drought (though I still write and made art to keep the business running), I finally feel creative energy flowing again by having started this side-project here in Substack and it’s going very well organically.
The incredible response I’ve receive over the past couple of months have somehow confirmed that “I wasn’t lost” in the end and that maybe I’ve got valuable things to say (this is probably what was lost on me disguise of hormones and sleep deprivation).
It’s interesting you mention that psychologists wouldn’t approved… I sometimes feel as though there’s only one receipt for how “one should do self care” and that work certainly isn’t it. When on the flip side, I feel great joy and fulfillment just like you in getting things done on my own passion projects (which happen to be my business too).
I’ve been fortunate enough to live with my parents for a few months at a time, a few times since having my 2 boys and it has been so helpful and special. We’ve now left all our family behind and moved to a new country, but my first port of call is to always find out where the children play and go there! Finding community can be tricky but it’s so worth putting the effort into.
Also feeling you with having to do paid work and then the majority of the unplayed labour. It’s a bloody rough slog!
I love the idea of communal living, or “alloparenting” - it just makes sense. The way in which we have to operate makes everything so much more challenging. When we move this year, we are hoping to have space for my mum to move into when she needs it, a blessing indeed, but I wish it was more possible for everyone. So much to say on this topic, the two weeks paternal leave, the need to appear self sufficient, the difficulty in returning to any kind of sustainable work, the loneliness - but it makes me so furious so quickly, I’m going to leave it there for now 😂🤬
That’s so lovely that there will be space for your mum to live with you, when she wants and needs. Look forward to having a big old chat about all of this work/motherhood stuff when I next see you… Easter holidays, are you around? X
I loved reading this piece. I relate so much to your experience and how insane it is when you think about it: mothering, cooking, dressing, organising. My toddler’s father is in the army and away often for long periods of time. It was such a scary jolt when those two weeks after my daughter was born were up and he returned to work. I remember the first night I spent alone with my tiny baby and just felt terrified! Looking back I wish I had had some support so that I could have also taken time to heal after birth. I just powered through and have suffered the consequences of that. My dream is simple but feels so far off: equality in parenting where I live full time with my husband and we raise our family together. It was so refreshing reading your article and realising that I’m not alone: you’re also taking on the full responsibility during the week and somehow doing all the things and working. I find it so inspiring that you can still work and do this. So far I haven’t figured out how to do it and as a result my career has really slowed down. Big hugs, 💖
Living in isolated, individual families isn’t natural, we should live in bigger groups supporting each other. Asking for support as a parent should be celebrated and normalised. Your children will grow up happier because of it.
This is really interesting Annie thanks for sharing and being so honest. This idea of how we live in Western society and how that affects motherhood is a lot of what I was pondering in a recent interview I did with another mum who grew up in Burundi. Linking it in case it’s of interest to you https://jenniferjones1111.substack.com/p/it-takes-a-village 😊
Thanks for writing such an honest account of the struggle- juggle. I don’t think anything prepares you for motherhood beyond a birth plan, and the reality of those first few months and years is brutal. But to complain about it feels ungrateful, so we all soldier on feeling overwhelmed. It takes a village, but that’s rarely the reality. Grandparents and friends are vital and bring something more than just support to the parents, they bring their different experiences and skillsets into the life of the child. X
I resonate with what you wrote. With both sets of grandparents abroad, I've always felt very alone... Over the years of being a mom, I created new relationships locally, I rekindled older relationships virtually, but I still don't feel like I have a 'village' around me. Also, I am passionate about my work. I'd rather work during half-term than spend the days with the kids, so I carry a bit of guilt around that. But it gives me the nourishment I need, and then I feel I'm more available / present for my kids. Creating my freelance life is what's indirectly helped me feel better about being a parent. I can also weave in the domestic and family tasks in my day (in opposition to cramming them in the evenings and weekends in a 9-5 work situation), which makes life a bit more serene and makes me feel more in control. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's valuable to reflect on our own experience and figure out what we need. x
I hear you on the 'wanting to work in half terms'. And also: interesting take on freelance work meaning more time for all the other life admin and chores in the 'working day'. This is often seen as a bad thing, but I like your re-frame x
I sometimes get a bit annoyed by doing the 'home' work during my work day (partner is in a typical 9-5 but working from home). But actually it saves me peace in other moments. So I've accepted it as a blessing.
Thanks for sharing this Annie. I can see so much of myself in this. I’ve given the work-life challenge (I love how you don’t use the word ‘balance’ as it does not exist in my opinion!) a lot of thought and I think that the set-ups many of us have are not sustainable in the long-run. Something has to change. I don’t really have any answers but I’m always thinking about it. I think extended parental leave is really key, as are accessible spaces for parents/carers with young children. And flexible working of course.
I think one of the issues is that the longer women take out of the workplace, the bigger the longterm impact, financially (eg. pensions). And in terms of confidence. It shouldn't be this way, but often is. Though if extended parental leave included a pay packet equivalent to what we had pre-baby, and pension contributions... that could help. Though there is also the fact that some women find work to be welcome respite from motherhood. I certainly do. And so what's the answer for those of us who want to work but also want to be around lots for our kids... or at least have them looked after by family...? I think multigenerational living might be the one. But now that we're so used to living apart from our parents, it's quite hard to imagine moving back in permanently. Ax
Good points! As I said, I have no answers unfortunately. By extended parental leave, I mean both parents, if there are two. I live in Switzerland, where mat leave is 14 weeks and paternal leave is 2 weeks so an extension of that would be a good place to start. I chose to go freelance when I became a mum instead of going back to work with a 14 week old - it was my way of trying to find a way to work and make money and stay in the workforce while also being around for my kids when little. Not an easy path and not for everyone but I’m glad I chose this path. I also definitely need work to feel good - absolutely a respite from the intensity of motherhood. My work time often feels like my downtime if I’m honest.
Thank you for sharing your story, Annie. I resonate with so much of it, its uncanny. We currently are living with my parents, after moving out to the countryside in 2020. Though I loved the idea of it, and we found the most beautiful property that we renovated, but I felt so isolated there. We never quite found our community & I would go weeks without speaking to an adult friend in person. After my third sons birth, the loneliness became too much & I decided we had to move back closer to family. My husband has felt differently, it’s been quite a year, we’re still in limbo, all 5 of us staying at my parents home. Even just having them - my parents - around is so helpful, the company, the helping hands here and there. We’re so lucky & I’m so grateful for their support, even though living with them is temporary.
Wow, that really is such a similar story. Are you in London now? X
We live in Connecticut, in the suburbs of New York City. I wish we lived in London! I lived there from ages 5 to 8, England is my soul home ❤️
This was outstanding! The nuclear family isolated is a fairly new phenomenon and not even all of today’s cultures embrace it. I love to hear about multigenerational families living and supporting each other- it benefits the very young, the old are given more purpose and healthy interactions (I am old so I speak for myself- All may not want this). And it gives such a foundational fit for young parents who often struggle with trusting strangers to watch and help with their kids. I personally love the hearing stories of grands, greats and others living close and staying close.
What a lovely positive comment, thank you so much x
Very lovely essay and we have a lot in common on several points.
I’m sorry for the comment on moving back home - I’m unfortunately one who’d never be able to, but I somehow wish I did and find joy and beauty when others have this blessing (I prefer to use the word blessing rather than privilege).
Though I’ve had my husband working either with me or on his own business but still at home for both my babies, I still felt incredibly alone at times. Now it doesn’t help that we’ve moved multiple times in an attempt to find our village I suppose, but it’s really not easy to find your group when you make such a transition.
Before we were already “the odd ones” by working as artists and entrepreneurs, and to then get married and have children young became too much… though I enjoy to have some time alone, homeschool my eldest I definitely long to find likeminded mothers down the road. Currently in the countryside and adore the calm, but grateful we have grandma in Paris just 3 hrs away so we can get the hustle and bustle, cultural inspiration and meet people in the city too. xx
I like 'blessing' over 'privilege'.
Maybe we each need something different in order to feel less alone?
Thinking about it now, I think that when I'm really focused on my work (and it's going well) that makes me feel less alone. I'm not sure the psychologists would see that as a positive but perhaps for mothers, it's 'something' for us. Have you felt like that?
Ax
Yes 100%.
I’m feeling it right now in fact! After years of creative drought (though I still write and made art to keep the business running), I finally feel creative energy flowing again by having started this side-project here in Substack and it’s going very well organically.
The incredible response I’ve receive over the past couple of months have somehow confirmed that “I wasn’t lost” in the end and that maybe I’ve got valuable things to say (this is probably what was lost on me disguise of hormones and sleep deprivation).
It’s interesting you mention that psychologists wouldn’t approved… I sometimes feel as though there’s only one receipt for how “one should do self care” and that work certainly isn’t it. When on the flip side, I feel great joy and fulfillment just like you in getting things done on my own passion projects (which happen to be my business too).
I’ve been fortunate enough to live with my parents for a few months at a time, a few times since having my 2 boys and it has been so helpful and special. We’ve now left all our family behind and moved to a new country, but my first port of call is to always find out where the children play and go there! Finding community can be tricky but it’s so worth putting the effort into.
Also feeling you with having to do paid work and then the majority of the unplayed labour. It’s a bloody rough slog!
It is definitely worth the effort x
I love the idea of communal living, or “alloparenting” - it just makes sense. The way in which we have to operate makes everything so much more challenging. When we move this year, we are hoping to have space for my mum to move into when she needs it, a blessing indeed, but I wish it was more possible for everyone. So much to say on this topic, the two weeks paternal leave, the need to appear self sufficient, the difficulty in returning to any kind of sustainable work, the loneliness - but it makes me so furious so quickly, I’m going to leave it there for now 😂🤬
That’s so lovely that there will be space for your mum to live with you, when she wants and needs. Look forward to having a big old chat about all of this work/motherhood stuff when I next see you… Easter holidays, are you around? X
I loved reading this piece. I relate so much to your experience and how insane it is when you think about it: mothering, cooking, dressing, organising. My toddler’s father is in the army and away often for long periods of time. It was such a scary jolt when those two weeks after my daughter was born were up and he returned to work. I remember the first night I spent alone with my tiny baby and just felt terrified! Looking back I wish I had had some support so that I could have also taken time to heal after birth. I just powered through and have suffered the consequences of that. My dream is simple but feels so far off: equality in parenting where I live full time with my husband and we raise our family together. It was so refreshing reading your article and realising that I’m not alone: you’re also taking on the full responsibility during the week and somehow doing all the things and working. I find it so inspiring that you can still work and do this. So far I haven’t figured out how to do it and as a result my career has really slowed down. Big hugs, 💖
I loved this piece so much. Motherhood is so hard sometimes but you wrote about it with such beauty ❤️
Living in isolated, individual families isn’t natural, we should live in bigger groups supporting each other. Asking for support as a parent should be celebrated and normalised. Your children will grow up happier because of it.
This is really interesting Annie thanks for sharing and being so honest. This idea of how we live in Western society and how that affects motherhood is a lot of what I was pondering in a recent interview I did with another mum who grew up in Burundi. Linking it in case it’s of interest to you https://jenniferjones1111.substack.com/p/it-takes-a-village 😊
Thanks for writing such an honest account of the struggle- juggle. I don’t think anything prepares you for motherhood beyond a birth plan, and the reality of those first few months and years is brutal. But to complain about it feels ungrateful, so we all soldier on feeling overwhelmed. It takes a village, but that’s rarely the reality. Grandparents and friends are vital and bring something more than just support to the parents, they bring their different experiences and skillsets into the life of the child. X