I don't want to rest.

I want to create and produce and earn money and feel fulfilled. And I need to do these things, too. But everyone says women should rest more and so sometimes, I get myself in a muddle.

Since moving back to London, early January, I have found myself filled with this productive energy and I’m so enjoying it.

For a while, it disappeared.

I was living in Somerset, dropping the kids at school and then sometimes sitting at my desk, idly, wondering what work to do.

I had no new ideas for courses dropping in and my writing work was confusing me.

Journalism commissions were occasionally coming in but I was being paid pittance and sometimes having to do extras like source images. I felt like an intern again.

I’d written a book - Raise your SQ - and off the back of that, had some new coaching clients, which I loved.

But I couldn’t work out whether this was a standalone non-fiction book, like my other two, or a new career direction for me.

And so I was feeling a bit lost. (I’ve written about this in more detail here.)

I think the sense that I wasn’t living in a place that felt like ‘home’ to me was definitely playing into my energy and productivity levels.

Finding Substack helped, as it gave me a sense of purpose and direction, but while I’m excited to be earning on this platform, I can’t yet live off it.

And actually, that’s not my aim. I’ll tell you why in another piece.

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When I landed in London, I set aside two weeks to settle my kids in school.

Good job, because one of them needed very slow settling-in (two hours a day for the first week; four hours a day the second week; full days after that).

Soon, though, they were all in school for the first time in some months, as I’d been homeschooling my middle boy a little while back in Somerset.

I had time.

I knew I needed to do something for myself after the stress of deciding to move - and then actually moving - which all happened in the space of about two months.

The move was fraught with challenges, including the fact that my husband wouldn’t be joining us, as his work is in Somerset, and I had been focused entirely on the kids.

Now, I needed to think about myself for a minute.

So I joined the gym and decided to have a 10-minute sauna every single day.

And then I discovered the steam room and added a five-minute steam in.

And then I saw that the pool was usually empty so decided to swim a few lengths, as fast as possible, to give me that hit I used to get from my short, quick runs.

Going to the gym is just for me. Not my kids, husband, friends, the school community, my parents, clients or anyone else.

I believe we all need something, every single day, that is entirely selfish.

That’s my thing.

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Once I’d worked this into my routine, I was feeling so fired up about my work.

New ideas for courses started rushing in like a huge powerful wave.

And I felt like at last, I could surf it rather than feeling I was going under.

It was exhilarating; riding these weekday highs.

But friends kept saying to me: how are you? There’s been such a lot of change, how are you coping? How are you processing it all?

And I started to feel confused.

Things had been hard back in Frome, where one of my children was desperately unhappy and another wasn’t feeling great, now: they were happy.

If they’re skipping into school - they are actually running in most mornings; even better - I am ok. I can deal with my own challenges, as long as they aren’t struggling.

But the way I work is intense: sometimes three or four hours straight, with no break. And then onto another few hours, or to get the kids from school.

On weekdays, I am doing everything child-related, while working a full-time job in part-time hours.

They don’t do after-school clubs so at 3pm, I dash up a big hill to collect them and then, I’m Mum (with a little business podcast playing while I cook).

Sometimes, I look at myself from a bird’s-eye perspective and how I operate on weekdays and think:

Am I ok? Should I slow down? Aren’t women meant to be doing less and resting more? Isn’t that the message I usually impart to my women, especially mothers?

And then I realise that while a feminine energy is crucial (leaning on community, accepting help, communicating) a feminist stance sometimes means going masculine.

I look to the men around me and see that they’re not going slowly, they’re busy growing their businesses.

And I want in on that.

So right now, on weekdays, I’m in my masculine.

I’m Mother in the morning and afternoon, and very much in my feminine when I’m with my kids, but in the middle of the day I go masculine.

High energy, moving fast, risk-taking, narrow focus, self-sufficient.

And I love it.

I need it in order to earn enough money, too.

Though I’m aware that when I launch my next course, next week (sneak preview here), my marketing strategy will come from the feminine.

I will bring my mothering energy to marketing and delivering the course: nurturing, open communication, listening, collaborating, leaning in.

I’m looking forward to trying to balance the masculine day-time energy with the feminine marketing/teaching energy and to see where it leads.

I’m feeling hopeful.

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But right now, what I don’t need to do is rest.

Not in any big way, anyway.

I need to work - fast and hard - and then have my snippets of rest (1/2-hour at the gym; early nights).

Maybe that’s what rest is?

Maybe when I hear ‘rest’ I see an image of someone lying still, on a bed, doing nothing.

Maybe rest doesn’t need to look like that.

Maybe I had a big massive rest for two years while I was in Somerset, doing lovely spiritual rituals and working less - and that’s renewed my energy.

Maybe work is my rest from motherhood?

Maybe I’ll crash in a while.

I hope not.

I like this new energy.

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Tell me about you:

• What do your work days look like?

• How does that feel?

• What do you think of ‘rest’?

• Do you bring a more masculine or feminine energy to your work?

• What do you do for yourself, each day?

• What would you like to change about your work?

Annie x