Why I work alone.
An exploration of introversion, extroversion, shyness, people who need collaboration to motivate them vs those who don't - and the scientific study I'd like to see happen.
I don’t like to make generalisations - actually, I do, but I try not to - about people and behaviours but, anecdotally, I have noticed that there are people who like to work alone and there are people who like to collaborate.
That’s not to say that the people who collaborate can’t work alone or that those who prefer solo working can’t team up with others, it’s more about preference, energy and, I’m starting to think, what motivates you.
Generally, when I’ve tried to do longterm collaborative projects, I’ve quickly found it quite tricky. I like to get my head down and work hard and fast; I don’t want my thought-flow interrupted; I only want to work when I want to work.
Once, I worked with someone who liked to have a long chat at the start of the day. It was nice, and sometimes inspiring, but it mostly felt like a waste of time. Let’s just get to work. I think this person was a collaborator and needed that chat for motivation.
Someone else I worked with liked to sometimes call me at 10pm. TEN PM. Even before I had kids, I was usually thinking about bed around then. Perhaps she was a night owl and wanted her mind fed before she tapped away through the night.
(I wanted to go to sleep.)
Time-boxing
I have always liked time-boxing. I time-box my morning exercise (currently: five minutes yoga, 15 minutes core exercises), time-box my work hours. I sometimes even time-box a morning coffee with a friend, in my mind.
I’d like to time-box motherhood but I can’t do that; it’s the ink in my water, spreading throughout everything with nothing to contain it. Maybe that’s why I like time-boxing everything else: so that I’m available for the unpredictability of motherhood.
It hasn’t always been this way. When I wrote Shy, four years ago, I described myself as a shy extrovert. I loved being around people - new, familiar - and was energised by my friendship group but sometimes, I was wary in new environments.
Since then, I’ve become increasingly introverted.
Again, I wonder if motherhood has played a part in this. I’m rarely actually alone, because I have three kids who are often popping in when I’m trying to work, particularly with one out of school. So, I crave proper solitude.
Science says that shyness can change over time. A shy child may become an outgoing adult and the same can happen in reverse. Shyness can also come and go. Whereas introversion and extroversion are fixed personality traits.
Apparently, extroverts have a shorter dopamine pathway, so sensing ‘reward’ will get the dopamine quickly fired up (eg. they’ll get excited when getting ready to go to a party, where they’ll have endless opportunities to engage with people - reward).
Introverts, on the other hand, are said to have a greater sensitivity to dopamine so that ‘reward’ feeling doesn’t hit in the same way and they become overstimulated. Instead, introverts crave acetylcholine, which makes us feel more ‘relaxed, alert and content’.
But, science often forgets to include mothers and motherhood in its studies. The greatest failure I’ve noticed, on this, was ‘the biggest study ever into sleep’. I bought the book, read it and noticed a glaring omission: they didn’t mention motherhood.
How can you talk about sleep without talking about babies, the early years and the sleep deprivation that most of us experience when we become mothers, to a greater or lesser extent? Well, they managed to.
So, I wonder if there has ever been a study into whether motherhood can alter those dopamine/acetylcholine receptors and create a shift in what feeds us and gives us energy? And if, therefore, we might actually need to work differently, as mothers?
Before having kids, in my more youthful years, I used to get so excited about parties that my bowels would loosen and I’d have to run to the toilet several times. The butterflies were too great; this was a chance to chat and dance into the early hours.
Now, I don’t have that same feeling. I tried to keep it all going, into motherhood, going to Glastonbury when my daughter was just one (without her) but my new responsibility cast a shadow on the experience. It’s never returned in the same way.
However, I know other women with children who love working in a team, or partnership, or doing collaborations. Not every mother wants time alone, when she’s not with her brood. So, if there is anything in my hypothesis, it’s not universal.
Protecting your time
For those of us who do crave solitude, especially when working, I wonder if it’s about protecting our time, as well as our energy?
When I wrote my first book, The Freelance Mum, I had two short days a week of childcare for my younger child. I often went to a coffee shop and I loved chatting with other freelancers. It was inspiring. But I also made sure I had uninterrupted time.
There was a dance between the buzz I get from conversation and the need for silence so that I could be as productive as possible, in the very limited time I had available. If I’d had 9-5 each day to work, perhaps I’d have relaxed into coffee shop freelancing.
Alas, I’ve never had those hours to work. Not since I left my last job, 10 years ago. The thought of it feels, in my body, like swimming out into the middle of a lake, under warm sunshine, and lying on my back, floating. How glorious that would be.
Instead, I cram. Although today, I rebelled against myself and went to meet Katie Tucker, who wrote this brilliant piece for Raising Neurodivergence, at her co-working space. We talked and talked and it was so good: for the mind, body and soul.
It ate into my work hours but it was so worth it. I need human interaction. Time with fellow freelancers. I need to let myself feel as if I’m swimming out into that lake and floating there, even if I need to then quickly swim back to the banks.
Though, it really did help that she needed to time-box our meeting. She could only do an hour. It was perfect. I wouldn’t have that awkward feeling of needing to go but not wanting to be rude. I think part of collaborating, for me, is finding boundaries hard.
When that woman used to phone me at 10pm, I always picked up.
When that other woman used to phone every morning, for an hour, on our work-together (from our separate homes) days, I spoke for an hour, never questioning whether it was a good use of time.
Maybe that’s the shyness. I need to be around people and then I need to leave, to work, but shyness says: you’re just actually going to have to stay, because it’s too awkward to announce your departure. Wait until they say they need to go, instead.
That’s why I never invite people to my home, on a work day. I’m too scared that they’ll stay for too long and I won’t be able to tell them I now need to get on with work. Mostly, I don’t see anyone on work days, because it’s less awkward that way.
Collaborations
These days, I’m up for a collaboration if it’s a one-off event (I have one coming up with Eliza Fricker, tell you more soon) or for a finite period. Any on-going collaborations, or partnerships, bring back bad memories. I don’t want to go there.
But I love doing panel talks and being interviewed and interviewing. I love working with people in a time-boxed way. That’s what it is. One of us comes up with an idea, we do the work together and then I wave goodbye and it’s back to just me.
That said, I’m starting a writers’ group with my friend and we’ve invited a handful of women to join us. That feels exciting. We’re not going to read each others’ work, we’ll just talk about our ideas, share tips. So, it’s more about connection than collaboration.
Yes, that’s what I love: connection.
Tell me about you:
Introvert, extrovert, ambivert?
Shy, outgoing, or both?
Collaborator or solo-worker?
Time-boxer or go-with-the-flow?
Do you need connection, on work days?
Annie x
Ohhh I love this piece. Working with publishers, as I am at the minute, I'm on their time, working with a team, and I LOVE it - for a period. But after a few months, I really crave going back to my way of doing things, not relying on other people to get things done. I get very frustrated when I want to make progress on something, and close the loop on it, but I'm waiting for feedback or a piece of information from someone else.
WIth authors, I do enjoy the *occasional* call (I try to do 2 a month as a max), but prefer working with people in an asynchronous way. I'll work on an in-depth piece of work for them, and then we communicate over email. I'm also a big time boxer, and this lets me time box when I'm going to do those emails, while fitting in other stuff.
I do definitely aim to get some kind of connection on most work days, but like you, I won't invite people over in case they won't leave!! Always happy to go somewhere else for a coffee, and love a walk with an end time, haha.
I really love the metaphor of motherhood being an ink in water. Such a beautiful and painfully accurate way to describe it. I also love to work alone, the phrase "teamwork" sends shudders down my spine. Nice to read these comments are realise I'm not the only one! X