Sorry, who am I, again?
This question has prompted me to re-think my Substack, buy a new book (two, actually) and start a weekly discussion group. I hope you'll join me.
I have this new routine where, instead of running, I do five minutes of morning yoga, followed by some intense core exercises. I’m beginning to feel stronger and now, I can sneeze without repercussions.
But I get bored if I don’t have something to listen to. Or, rather, I get stressed if I listen to my own thoughts. So, if I have an urge to listen to music, I will. And if I have an urge to learn, I listen to a podcast.
That’s how I came to discover Oprah Winfrey and Gretchen Ruben discussing the eight rules to happiness, which led to me re-thinking much of my life and - included in that - my Substack. You see, the first ‘rule’ is: be yourself.
And I thought: fuck, who am I?
I put a reminder into my phone, with no set date/time, saying: who am I? and this meant that every time I went to respond to a reminder that did have a date and time, I’d see that note, and give it some thought.
I then went to meet a friend - with my daughter, and hers - to go and see some art at the Saatchi Gallery. Afterwards, we went to the Chelsea Physic Garden, which, luckily, was having open day and so we didn’t have to pay for a ticket.
Our daughters roamed the grounds and I googled ‘Lena Dunham’s husband’ having spotted a man who looked just like him in the cafe - it was him - before getting into a conversation with my friend about the fact that I don’t know who I am.
She said that she was surprised; that she thought I knew myself well. I told her that I’m currently in a period of discovery, or re-discovery, following an intense chapter of mothering. We then shifted the conversation onto her, which felt more comfortable.
You see, right now, I am questioning much about my identity. In a curious, gentle way (and sometimes, in a frantic and aggressive way). Largely, though, I am offering myself the same open mind that I offer my children.
I see them, listen to them and I find it easy to embrace them, as they are.
But part of embracing them as they are is getting to know who they are and this has been the most interesting element of motherhood - who are these children I have pushed from my very body? - and it’s the question that leads to me doing the learning.
Now, I want to extend the learning back to myself, and to you, reader.
There are so many elements of ‘self’. There are layers to dive between; delve into; pull back; explore; discard; renew. There is past self, present self, future self. There is the self we feel inside and the self we present to the world.
There is the self we are yet to meet. What do you think she’ll look like? What will she enjoy doing? Who will she be drawn to?
I think one of the reasons nearly every woman I know has become quite obsessed with Miranda July’s All Fours is because it questions womanhood and identity. And, after giving so much, as women, there comes a point where you want to look inward.
I’m at that point. Are you at that point?
When walking around the Saatchi Gallery shop, I came across a book by The School of Life called Who am I? Obviously, I bought it. The subtitle is: psychological exercises to develop self-understanding.
This kind of book really excites me. It excites me as a woman, as a writer and as a coach. It excites me that I will learn about myself and that I will be able to then flip that learning over to the reader; to ask you how you feel about that aspect of yourself.
I bought another book, too: Make time for creativity (finding space for your most meaningful work). Again, it’s full of ideas and prompts to help you reflect on your creative practice. It asks questions. I love questions. Asking them; answering them.
This series of events led to me sitting in a coffee shop, yesterday morning, with a notepad and pen, making plans. I realised that the Substack essays that people seem to respond to - and that I most enjoy writing - and those that explore the ‘self’.
Home-life. Work-life. Motherhood. Making mistakes. Challenging ambition. Questioning why I’ve done something. Questioning why I haven’t. Relationships. Being provocative. You can see all the ‘top reads’ here.
And, while writing this, I’ve realised that my last two non-fiction books - Shy and Raise your SQ - both sit in the ‘self-development’ section in bookshops. I explore something I’m going through, research around it and then write it up, as a book.
What I want to do now, on Substack, is bring in more community, connection, discussion and coaching. So, my plan is to share an essay every Tuesday morning and to follow up with a discussion on the Thursday (midday, UK-time), on Zoom.
I want to create space for my personal exploration of ‘self’ but also yours, if you’re interested in this. So, I will share journal prompts at the bottom of each Tuesday essay and you can use them in private but also join the Thursday discussion, if you’d like.
Really, not much will change in terms of what I write on Substack, because I’ve been exploring themes around the ‘self’ since I began. But I have found it helpful to create a sort of container for what I’m writing by re-writing my ‘intro’ line as follows:
Personal essays exploring the self (me/you), followed by open discussion.
Some upcoming essays will be on:
Why I shouted at a woman in the park (anger)
Am I a drama queen?
‘We want to be thin, not toned’ (on body image)
Stability VS adventure (in the context of the self, as well as family)
Status anxiety: why does it matter what other people think?
Past me, present me, future me
Why I only work with women
If you do it a lot, do you become good at it?
What my week looks like, right now
Now, for those of you who’d like to journal around this initial - and quite open - question of ‘Who am I?’, here are the journal prompts, followed by the Zoom link for Thursday’s discussion and light coaching session.