One for the mothers.
An opportunity to reflect on everything you're doing well, as a mother, and to give yourself some well-deserved recognition.
Motherhood is often described as ‘thankless’. We work hard to raise our children as best we can and yet, it’s rarely acknowledged by them, or society.
Well, that’s how it can feel. But actually, our children often show us appreciation in their own ways…
A quick hug, when we’ve helped them out of a difficult situation.
A smile, when we’ve said what they need to hear.
Climbing into bed with us, because it feels safe there.
But there is sometimes the sense, as a mother, that we don’t deserve societal ‘thanks’, because we chose to take on this role.
And in some ways, we did.
However, the narrative of ‘choice’ is often complex. We may have chosen ‘motherhood’ but we haven’t chosen inequality, workplace discrimination, prejudice.
And also, choosing something doesn’t mean we can’t then say that it’s hard, testing, exhausting or boring, at times.
It’s ok to choose something and to then find parts of it hard, and to be honest about that. I do it with my work; I do it with aspects of motherhood.
What matters, in motherhood
During hard times with my children (illnesses that have led to hospital stays; advocating for them), people have sometimes said I’m doing a good job.
It’s kind of them to say this but it makes me realise that I actually don’t need to hear it from anyone who isn’t my child.
It is mostly the feelings and opinions of my children that matter, when it comes to how I mother.
When they tell me I made the right decision for them, I know that I have.
Also, my husband’s opinion is important, as he’s the father of my children and we are in this together.
But my own feelings about what makes me a ‘good mother’ matter too. And I need to know I’m honouring this, rather than being led astray by other people’s suggestions.
Our family values
Something I value for myself and my children is ‘freedom’.
I give my children a lot of freedom to make their own decisions. My older two told me this last night. They said they consider me ‘soft’ rather than ‘strict’, for this reason.
This isn’t a choice, particularly. It’s what comes naturally to me, when mothering.
I jokingly refer to it as ‘lazy parenting’ (and I wrote an article about this for Red Magazine) but really, it’s more about instinct than laziness.
I listen to my children; I let them make their own choices whenever it’s safe to do that; I respect it when they say “no” and I let them experience the consequences.
Sometimes, I’ve ‘let’ them not do something and they’ve regretted it later. But I don’t take that as a mistake on either of our parts; I see it as a life lesson.
Afterwards, we talk about it. If they say: I wish I’d done it, I say: you can do it next time. We talk about fear, comfort zones and challenging ourselves.
If they say: I’m so pleased I didn’t do it. I say: you listened to your intuition, and it was right.
Motherhood reflections
When I reflect on how I mother, I notice the areas where I’m uncertain, wobbly, still learning. But I also notice what I’m doing well. Things I’m proud of.
And so I wanted to create some coaching questions to help others reflect on their mothering and notice the good bits, as well as the areas you’d like to change.
Because this is how we build confidence.
Notice what you’re doing right. Feel proud. Do more of that. Look at the areas you’d like to improve. Make changes. Acknowledge your evolution and ability to adapt.
Motherhood coaching questions
As a mother, I’m … [insert one positive word].
I’m really good at …
The part I enjoy most is …
Something I struggle with is ….
I’d like to be better at …
I was proud when …
My favourite motherhood moment was …
I know I’m doing well, with mothering, because …
My children show me that they feel safe by …
My children show me that they feel loved when …
I was happy when my child told me that …
I’m proud to have handed down [insert something here] to my child(ren).
All I want for my children is …
What matters most to me, in motherhood, is …
Moving forward, I will continue to …
Annie x
Would you like more ‘self-paced’ confidence coaching? If so, I’m running a new online course and it starts next Monday.
The Creative Way (to build your confidence) is an online course is for women who’d like to tap into their intuition, feel more confident in themselves, get creative and set exciting goals for the future.
You can read more and sign up here.
Some great food for thought here, thank you. As a mother I was totally unprepared for the amount of guilt that seems to come along as part of the package. Learning to park that guilt and acknowledge all the good things I do has been a real work in progress.
I can relate to being seen as the “soft” parent. I highly value freedom in my own life, and while children need boundaries, they also need to be given the ability to choose for themselves, and experience the consequences. Thank you for giving voice to this idea.