I was sat at the station yesterday, waiting to board a train and sit in first class (thanks to a sale-price interrail pass) and I watched a woman on the opposite platform walking along and I thought, 'Oh. She belongs in first class. Not me.' Her clothes looked expensive, though simple, her posture was tall and confident and her shoes clacked satisfyingly as she walked. And she carried a neat briefcase in one hand.
Meanwhile, I was toting a backpack a carryall, a crossbows and a V&A tote bag with my snacks in. I was munching on a croissant and dropping pastry flakes with abandon – or actually with a complete an utterly inability to not drop them, unless I hold a paper bag directly under my chin.
I briefly wondered if I could look like her if I won the lottery and spent a fortune on the clothes. And maybe a super polished hair do. And maybe the right exercise to nail the posture.
But then I realised that, even if I did spend all that money, it would still be me underneath. And probably nothing would hide my inability to eat a croissant without dropping crumbs everywhere. And the fanciest briefcase would never make me look like I belong in first class.
One of my sisters is nine years younger than me. As a teenager/early twenties I would sometimes walk her to her dance class and wait for her outside the gym, which was on an industrial estate on the edge of town. Anyway the gym said I couldn’t wait in their reception and also threw me off their premises for sitting on a wall outside. I was clearly lowering the tone in their eyes. It made taking her to her class quite stressful. Anyway I think this is why I’ve never been to the gym! I was made to feel very unwelcome because I didn’t look the part. Perpetually scruffy even when I try!
What a shame that they made you feel that way. Gyms should feel welcoming and communal, I think. That said, my last gym was quite posh (or: posh people went there) and the energy was pretty bad. This one feels better x
Yes I guess I shouldn’t let one bad egg put me off! There’s some strange subcultures around - this one wasn’t posh it was more full of people on steroids making them a bit aggressive 🥴
As always, so much resonates! SO many similarities. My life always has some crumbs in it, wherever I look, and I think it’s the being slightly at odds with the ‘ideal’ that often leads to creative thinking. x
I think you wrote a piece a while back that touched on some of these things - especially the pressure to be perfect, as a mother - and it feels important to name these pressures. I do love a clean desk before I start writing but also, cleaning the desk takes time away from the writing, so #priorities x
That feeling of never quite looking ‘right’ when you’re young…I remember it and I hope it’s not something my two will dwell on much. (Although I think they’re cooler than I was already.) I’ve decided I will never really be a ‘groomed’ person. My hair is always messy and I hate the feeling of having anything but v short nails. But yeah, sometimes you see someone who is so beautifully put together you think ‘what if’.
Loved reading this! Especially as your sister who found and still finds your style so effortlessly cool. You always knew what to pack for a festival and made it look so easy and quick. Whilst I took ages to pack and never felt like I got it right! Now you dress for comfort in your own way - again effortless. I wouldn’t describe you as grubby though 😂. In fact, quite clean considering your wardrobe is very light neutrals and you have 3 kids?! Being a Mum, I totally lost my identity. I look back at photos of myself wondering what the hell was going on. Glad I am back to myself now! Feels good to feel good 😊
That is very kind of you to say but I basically just wore that one tiny grass-green hotpant jumpsuit with my bum hanging out the bottom and stayed in it for entire festivals. The neutral wardrobe is about not having to work out how to 'do' colour - something you are very good at! Ax
I was sat at the station yesterday, waiting to board a train and sit in first class (thanks to a sale-price interrail pass) and I watched a woman on the opposite platform walking along and I thought, 'Oh. She belongs in first class. Not me.' Her clothes looked expensive, though simple, her posture was tall and confident and her shoes clacked satisfyingly as she walked. And she carried a neat briefcase in one hand.
Meanwhile, I was toting a backpack a carryall, a crossbows and a V&A tote bag with my snacks in. I was munching on a croissant and dropping pastry flakes with abandon – or actually with a complete an utterly inability to not drop them, unless I hold a paper bag directly under my chin.
I briefly wondered if I could look like her if I won the lottery and spent a fortune on the clothes. And maybe a super polished hair do. And maybe the right exercise to nail the posture.
But then I realised that, even if I did spend all that money, it would still be me underneath. And probably nothing would hide my inability to eat a croissant without dropping crumbs everywhere. And the fanciest briefcase would never make me look like I belong in first class.
I'd prefer to sit next to you on a train x
One of my sisters is nine years younger than me. As a teenager/early twenties I would sometimes walk her to her dance class and wait for her outside the gym, which was on an industrial estate on the edge of town. Anyway the gym said I couldn’t wait in their reception and also threw me off their premises for sitting on a wall outside. I was clearly lowering the tone in their eyes. It made taking her to her class quite stressful. Anyway I think this is why I’ve never been to the gym! I was made to feel very unwelcome because I didn’t look the part. Perpetually scruffy even when I try!
What a shame that they made you feel that way. Gyms should feel welcoming and communal, I think. That said, my last gym was quite posh (or: posh people went there) and the energy was pretty bad. This one feels better x
Yes I guess I shouldn’t let one bad egg put me off! There’s some strange subcultures around - this one wasn’t posh it was more full of people on steroids making them a bit aggressive 🥴
As always, so much resonates! SO many similarities. My life always has some crumbs in it, wherever I look, and I think it’s the being slightly at odds with the ‘ideal’ that often leads to creative thinking. x
I think you wrote a piece a while back that touched on some of these things - especially the pressure to be perfect, as a mother - and it feels important to name these pressures. I do love a clean desk before I start writing but also, cleaning the desk takes time away from the writing, so #priorities x
That feeling of never quite looking ‘right’ when you’re young…I remember it and I hope it’s not something my two will dwell on much. (Although I think they’re cooler than I was already.) I’ve decided I will never really be a ‘groomed’ person. My hair is always messy and I hate the feeling of having anything but v short nails. But yeah, sometimes you see someone who is so beautifully put together you think ‘what if’.
I am with you on the nails. Mine are never polished, always short. Easier to play piano, draw and not feel like I’m scratching everything x
Loved reading this! Especially as your sister who found and still finds your style so effortlessly cool. You always knew what to pack for a festival and made it look so easy and quick. Whilst I took ages to pack and never felt like I got it right! Now you dress for comfort in your own way - again effortless. I wouldn’t describe you as grubby though 😂. In fact, quite clean considering your wardrobe is very light neutrals and you have 3 kids?! Being a Mum, I totally lost my identity. I look back at photos of myself wondering what the hell was going on. Glad I am back to myself now! Feels good to feel good 😊
That is very kind of you to say but I basically just wore that one tiny grass-green hotpant jumpsuit with my bum hanging out the bottom and stayed in it for entire festivals. The neutral wardrobe is about not having to work out how to 'do' colour - something you are very good at! Ax
That was a great jumpsuit though wasn’t it (or perhaps a flannel swimsuit would be a more appropriate description 😂) x