How to open your 'Window of Tolerance'
And get yourself from fight/flight/freeze to feeling light and breezy
When my second child was born, I had a potty-training toddler to look after, a newborn baby who’d arrived following a traumatic birth and I was running an online business.
On the days that I managed to synchronise the children’s naps, I had to choose between working (writing articles for my content platform) or taking a nap myself.
The nighttime sleep was very broken and I knew I needed to rest but I’d worked so hard to build up my business - and community - and I found it hard to rest without feeling guilty or panicked.
I remember some days, I’d open my laptop, start typing away and feel as if my body was full of this tension; like my head was actually going to explode.
And I didn’t see a way out. I wanted to be a mother and have my children with me all the time; I wanted to be a successful writer and entrepreneur; I needed to earn money.
Suffice to say, I was stressed.
Now, what I didn’t know then was the ‘Window of Tolerance’ theory. In fact, I only learned about it last week when my friend Lucy explained it.
The idea is that we all have a Window of Tolerance. When that window is open wide, it means we’re coping. We can manage our emotions and things feel light and breezy.
But when the window of tolerance starts to close, one of two things may happen.
We either go into…
- Hyper-arousal (fight/flight response, where we become hyper-vigilant and may feel anxious or panicky).
Or hypo-arousal (a freeze response, where we feel numb, empty or paralysed).
What causes the window to close?
Well, it’s different for different people, as we each have varying levels of tolerance and different life experiences and situations.
So the situation I’ve described above - two young children and a business to run - will affect another mother differently to how it affected me.
A more recent experience I had of the window closing quite quickly and leaving me feeling like I just wanted to SHOUT was earlier this week.
I’d discovered a bulging box of Rice Krispies that had been torn and couldn’t be returned to the cupboard so I had this idea to make Rice Krispies cakes with my children.
I collected the older two from school while the youngest - who has chickenpox - stayed home with my husband.
We went to the Co-op and picked up butter and marshmallows to melt and mix the Rice Krispies into.
Back home, I got out the weighing scales, gave the children different jobs and they excitedly began weighing and pouring and getting stuck in.
Usually, when we’re all baking together, I feel relaxed. I don’t really mind the mess and I’m happy for the kids - whatever age - to give it a go, even if it goes ‘wrong’.
But yesterday was different.
The three-year-old kept nagging me for marshmallows, and when I asked the middle one to weigh out some ingredients and check the grams, the eldest jumped in.
I felt myself becoming impatient and then I snapped.
“Shoosh, all of you,” I said, voice raised. And then felt guilty: why was I ruining our time together?
We moved to the hob and started melting the ingredients together. Each child got to stir; each got to spoon the mixture into the tray. Everyone was happy. Harmony was restored.
We went out into nature to have a walk before bed and I was laughing, chatting and feeling great.
But when we got home, the noise became unbearable, the demands were too much and again, I got all angry and snappy.
I couldn’t understand why I was being so impatient and intolerance - period due on? Tired from the weekend? - and then I remembered the Window of Tolerance.
It had slammed shut.
A week of having the youngest home with us (because of the chickenpox) while we try to juggle work tipped the balance from manageable to unmanageable. That was it.
And while being out in nature and parts of the baking session had eased it open a little, it couldn’t stay open as the general chaos soon resumed.
So I woke in the morning and thought: ok, now that I know I’m feeling overwhelmed, what do I need to do?
And I did three things -
I had a shamanic reiki healing session that had been planned for a while (I was tempted to reschedule but decided this really mattered and that I needed to honour it).
I used a coaching exercise to move from overwhelmed to ‘focused’.
I did the same daily ritual that I do every day that brings peace and calm, whatever is happening and however I’m feeling.
Want to hear about how you can use a similar approach to crack open your window and lift it higher and higher until you’re back in the parasympathetic state (rest and digest)?
Read on for a coaching exercise that I always use when I’m in overwhelm and hurting towards burnout. Also, for a ritual to keep you in a calm state, once it’s restored.