Do we actually need feedback?

Or, does the internet provide it for us?

Back when I was running online courses as a full-time business, there was a lot of advice around collecting testimonials.

Testimonials, apparently, were crucial.

You don’t have to just believe how good I say my courses are, look at what all these other people say!

And of course, social proof is powerful.

I was lucky that women sent me wonderful emails about what they’d achieved, off the back of my courses, without me having to ask.

They were proud, and I was proud.

But what I didn’t like was the way I was hounded, as a consumer, for feedback.

I remember one person I’d worked with sending a very specific set of questions about their service and giving me a deadline to respond.

Here are two things about me:

1. I have people-pleasing tendencies.

2. I don’t like being told what to do (demand avoidant).

It’s an awkward mix. I want to please people by doing the right thing, but sometimes what they tell me they want me to do makes my body go stiff.

I need it by this time, the person said, because I’m just about to update my website.

Coincidence?

No, a weird kind of trick to make me give feedback.

I desperately didn’t want to do it.

My body was yelling at my head, reminding me I don’t owe anyone a testimonial, I already paid for the service.

But the people-pleaser said: you need to do this, otherwise you are mean and selfish.

So, I forced myself to give the bloody feedback, which meant setting aside precious time that could have been spent on my own work, or with my young children.

After that, I decided that I would give feedback when I chose to. I wouldn’t get myself into a situation again where I was reluctantly praising someone.

It’s not authentic, if it’s forced.

For a spell, I did actually ask a handful of people who’d done several of my courses if they’d mind giving feedback - this was following someone else’s advice - and it felt intuitively off.

They generously did give feedback, they even recorded little videos, but after seeing how annoying I found it being hounded for feedback, I stopped asking.

If people wanted to tell me what they thought of a course, they would.

Negative feedback

But what if someone wants to give negative feedback? What then?

During that same period, I had a course in my shop that was really cheap. A short, simple course. Someone signed up and then emailed saying it was shit.

I looked at the course, decided she was right, took it out of the shop - pleased that only she had paid for it, so far - and refunded her.

I apologised, and thanked her for highlighting this.

You know what she did?